The holidays are supposed to be festive.
Unfortunately, they also involve other people.
Someone invites you to dinner. Your boss gives you something unexpectedly nice. You're staying at a friend's parents' house. Six people need gifts and you have approximately $83 on your Venmo. Someone says, “Don't bring anything,” which could mean don't bring anything, or could be one of those sentences society has collectively decided not to take literally.
Relax. Most of this is easier than it looks. Here are a few tips that keep us grounded during the "Silly Season."
They said “don't bring anything.” Do I bring something?
You do not need to arrive carrying a hot dish after being specifically told not to bring food.
But a small host gift is different.
The useful rule: bring something that doesn't create work.
No flowers requiring immediate vase triage. No food that needs refrigeration, plating or an explanation. No object so enormous that the host has to redesign the living room around your generosity.
Home fragrance, a good tea towel set, a small design object: excellent.
Hand it over. Say thank you for having me. Release it emotionally.
You have completed the assignment.
Can I give the same gift to different people?
Yes.
This is called having a good idea.
If you find something distinctive that several people would genuinely like, there is no rule requiring you to begin the search again from zero every time.
Different fragrances or designs can personalize things a little. But buying four people the same excellent $40 gift is considerably better than buying four completely different pieces of panic at 6:47 PM on December 23.
Nobody is auditing your gifting diversity.
I need a gift for my boss. Help.
First: you are not generally required to give your boss a holiday gift. If your workplace doesn't have that culture, you're free.
A boss gift should be thoughtful without being intimate, extravagant or weirdly careerist.
Design objects, home fragrance, something useful for an office or home: good territory.
Perfume: probably too personal.
A framed photograph of the two of you: absolutely not.
A ceramic diffuser with a charcoal wand: cool, unusual, useful, doesn't scream PLEASE REMEMBER ME DURING PERFORMANCE REVIEWS.
You're welcome.
What do I bring if everyone else is bringing wine?
You are allowed to bring wine.
Wine remains undefeated.
But if you don't drink, don't know anything about wine, or have heard that your hosts have a legendary wine cellar, bring something else.
Room spray. Diffuser oil. Tea towels. A candle. A small object.
The point of a host gift isn't to demonstrate that you have mastered adulthood. It is a small acknowledgement that somebody cleaned their bathroom for you.
Respect the labor.
Is a candle a boring gift?
A boring candle is a boring gift.
A good candle is a good gift.
There is an important difference between grabbing something vaguely vanilla from the checkout aisle and choosing a fragrance or vessel because it reminded you of the person receiving it.
Same category. Different amount of thought.
We are obviously biased here.
I'm staying at someone's house. What do I do?
If someone is giving you their guest room, towels, coffee, Wi-Fi password and several days of access to their domestic infrastructure, bring something.
It does not need to be expensive.
A gift when you arrive is lovely. Taking them to dinner is lovely. Sending something afterward is also lovely.
And strip the bed if they ask you to.
Do not strip the bed if they tell you not to.
Houseguests occasionally become so determined to be helpful that they create an entirely new category of work.
Do I need to send a thank-you note?
You need to say thank you.
The United States Postal Service does not need to be involved every time.
Text is fine. Email is fine. A handwritten note is unusually nice when someone has done something unusually nice for you.
The important part is that the other person doesn't have to wonder whether you enjoyed yourself.
“Thank you, that was so much fun” remains the glue that actually keeps civilization on the rails.
Use it.
I can't afford gifts for everybody.
Then don't buy gifts for everybody.
Suggest Secret Santa. Set a price limit. Bake something if you actually bake. Buy something someone else baked. Take someone for coffee in January. Give one small, genuinely chosen thing instead of stretching your money across twelve objects nobody needs.
Your affection is not being independently audited by Deloitte.
Debt is not festive.
What about White Elephant?
White Elephant gifts should produce one of two reactions:
I want that.
or
What the fuck is that?
The deadly middle is an object nobody wants but everybody politely agrees is “cute.”
Useful + strange is ideal.
A good design object. An excellent room spray. Something inexplicably specific. Something people start stealing from one another, which is the entire point.
Do not bring something you found in a dumpster. Unless it is actually a White Elephant. That would be fun.
Can I regift something?
Yes, with standards.
It should be unused, appropriate for the new recipient and sufficiently removed from the original giver that you are not creating the third act of a French farce.
Regifting a beautiful object you don't need is sensible.
Regifting something to the person who gave it to you is performance art.
The actual rule
You do not have to perform generosity.
You don't need the most expensive gift, the most original gift or the gift that causes everyone else at dinner to reconsider what they brought.
Pay attention. Bring something good. Don't make it a burden.
And say thank you.
That's basically it.